Falling Sky

I put on my smile, I give my all expression, I force that next word, I swallow that last breath. Day in and day out, its all the same. Catch and Release, catch and release.
I am so very lost in my world right now. I don't want to be here another second. I want to be some where where its okay to be weak and cry. Settle and breathe. I want some one to stand above me while I cower and heal. I am so very lost.

I am dying here. I know this and am so far down the depression drain that I don't care. I am so much more than this, but not here. Not now not here not ever here.
What do I do with that? I know what I can be, but no one will let me. It isn't acceptable to all faces I surround myself with.

I want to live that kind of life. That kind of life where you can stand still and feel okay in the world. That kind of life that doesn't strangle or derail you in any way. A place to anchor my ship that has sailed. A person to stand beside that fully understands, and fully supports and loves every single piece that makes me. A person who I can look in the eyes, and feel so secure knowing that I will never have to worry again. I just want that peace. And I want to be ME in that peace.

Who am I now? No one I want to be. I can't escape this which I am because I can't escape. There is no key, guidance or support where I need it. My opinions truths and pains..are accounted for in ways of excuses,blame,demands,unfairness,unsettling,negative and outright absurd. Lets say for a second that they are indeed such things, that would make me ME. It wouldn't and shouldn't matter. I am not those things and neither are my opinions and views. I am very basic, simple, out going and down to earth.

I don't know what to do, and its very scary.